you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
