I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
