It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I want her autograph on my taint
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
