Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
