She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize