Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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