still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
