apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
