I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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