I can text with my tongue
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
