a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
