Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
