Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
