youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
