So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
