what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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