apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was born a porn star she said
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Can you bring me the toilet please
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
