toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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