I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
