i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
