im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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