i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
