____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
