I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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