do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
