That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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