# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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