Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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