Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
