I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
