There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
