alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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