I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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