Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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