I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I need moral support for this bender
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
