I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
