i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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