Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
