What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
