shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
