I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
