he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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