I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Randomize
