Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
