can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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