I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
