i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
wow bdsm is so cute
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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