we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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