she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
