Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
