The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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