It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
