While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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