So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
