one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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