I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
