i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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