his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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