Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
