I'm jealous of your bromance
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
