I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
